Vay-Kay

12/25/2008
1613 PST
Oakland CA

Yesterday, at 12:30 PM, my holiday vacation began. Today, Christmas Day (my mother's 59th birthday as well), is the first full day off. Christmas Day marks the second major holiday this season where I have spent time in an airport. Today it was SFO (more specifically, terminal 3, the United Terminal). Today I was not travelling. Instead, I dropped off my dear M. (or, to select from a number of terms of endearment not to exclude 'partner-in-crime', 'accomplice', or the always popular, my gal) on her way to Lone Star State. I would have gladly tagged along (thus giving myself a new appellation: travelling companion, side-kick, sherpa). But our vacation plans were long-ago established.

On the drive home, I thought about how to spend my vacation (or rather, how much would I spend on my vacation). Xmas was already booked. Boxing Day required attending to some errands in the morning. So, I figured the vacation (versus the day off) really starts around noon on Friday, the 26th and lasts through 9 AM (or so) on Tuesday, the 30th (I have decided that perhaps I shall trade the 30th for the 5th of January and take off the 5th instead). A few ideas crossed my mind on how to spend the time:

1) find a cable channel broadcasting some kind of marathon and settle into watching. Last year I believe I watched the Dirty Jobs marathon and another marathon featuring some kind of travel show. Perhaps I can find the To Catch a Predator marathon because nothing says holiday cheer more than watching pedophiles rationalize their sociopathy to Chris Hansen.

2) go to the driving range everyday so that I can work on my swing and new ways of incorporating the F-word into new and poetical constructions. Then I can go to the putting green so that I can rename it the 'putzing green' since my short game is more like the short bus.

3) pretend that it is not the holiday season or that it is a different holiday season. Perhaps I should find illegal fireworks, hang a "Happy Independence Day" banner across my porch, have a bar-b-que, and invite my neighbors over for a block-party.

4) sleep. That's it. Just sleep. Wake up. Drink coffee. Eat a couple of pancakes. Write something creative. Then lounge around until the carb crash occurs from the pancakes. Repeat sleeping.

5) calculate the price of being on vacation (air, lodging, meals, taxes, convenience fees, resort fees, handling fees, luxury taxes, airport use fees, base fees, September 11th security fee, September 12th homeland security recoupment fee, September 13th homeland security renaming project fee, mini-bar fee, postcard fee, and the ever popular 'fee' fee) and simply spend the same amount on stuff. Include one durable good like a washing machine, telephone booth, or iron lung, to help stimulate the economy. Stuff I'd like to get to vacate dollars out of my wallet: window coverings (OK, fine, window treatments) for the dining room window; more new clothes and a couple pairs of shoes.

If I were to go with option 5, having just checked air-hotel-car on United.com, I can splurge, waste, excessively consume, unwisely spend, or self-indulgently lavish between $3,200 and $6,901 if I decided, on a whim, to go to Oahu from 12/27/08 to 1/4/09. Checking out vacations on Southwest Airlines, I could go from Oakland to Orlando for $450.

6) do something different everyday. A vacation from the ordinary.

Next blog post: an update on this blog.

Carpal Tunnel Vision?

pol·li·ce ver·so
Pronunciation:
\ˌpȯ-li-ke-ˈwer-sō\
Function:
foreign term
Etymology:
Latin
: with thumb turned : with a gesture or expression of condemnation

For the last two days I have had numbness in my right thumb. This neuropathy or paresthesia or paresis or what-have-you mainly feels similar to having cold hands or poor circulation. Then it alternates to feeling slightly tingly as if "asleep." Luckily, it does not feel as if it is burning, subjected to pinpricks, or that it is a localized stigmata.

Repetitive Stress (or Strain) Injury (aka RSI) is a likely culprit. As the old adage in medical school goes: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's likely a duck. Therefore, given that I use a keyboard of some shape and form everyday (that is, I use a laptop keyboard, a standard keyboard, and then during working hours, some kind of M.C. Escher-like eggo-nomic, ergo, ergonomic keyboard which confuses my ingrained propriceptive finger-knowledge of keyboards leaving me finger-tip reaching for phantom keys). Perhaps the likely diagnosis of RSI is b/c of pressing down on non-existent keys in a manner reminiscent of walking up or down a flight of stairs and stepping as if there is yet one more step (it's worse on the down-step). On my ego-centric, I mean, ergonomic keyboard, where normally V is next to B (see figure below), V and B are miles apart like an old enemies unwilling to reconcile, or if they were, unable to be.

Supposedly this keyboard is supposed to pose less risk for RSI. I'm beginning to think it has the opposite effect.

Now that the holidays have finally rolled around, I shall have some downtime from my economic, I mean, ecological, umm, ergonomic keyboard which may relieve me of some of these issues. In the meantime, I shall continue to favor my left hand for typing (the added strain is likely to create a compensatory form of RSI) which led me to think about a variation on the Zen Koan: what is the sound of one hand typing. Then I realized that this version of the koan doesn't lead to any kind of enlightenment. I actually know the sound of one hand typing. It sounds like two hands typing except for the rate of keys clicking and the occasional "agh" when the numbness in the right thumb is replaced by a sensation ergonomically described as 'ouch'.

The only remedy I see before me is to either use a erroneous--I mean ergonomic keyboard 100% of the time, or none of the time. Not using a keyboard is not an option. Having a secretary taking dictation, or having my personal Boswell, is hardly an alternative. Perhaps I don't need to use my right thumb. I could become the Christy Brown of typing: my left thumb.

It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas?

In the November-December 2008 issue of Tikkun (a Jewish Magazine, an interfaith movement), Richard Rohr, a Franciscan priest contemplates the evolution of Christmas from its origins to its adoption as a Christian holiday. In the early Christian tradition, the focus was on Easter as the celebration of the Paschal mystery; Christ's birth and origins were of no particular concern to the first generations of followers. Rohr, echoing many who wish to put the Christ back in Christmas, emphasizes the opportunity inherent in the Christmas holiday to remind ourselves of the Christian message: charity, equality, humility, compassion, and right conduct. While these acts are cornerstones of the Christian dispensation, and therefore remain daily imperatives, there is nothing particularly sacred about the holiday itself. December 25th is an observance (itself, the date is borrowed from the Roman festival that followed the winter solstice) of an attributed date. As a holiday, Christmasse was not fully imbued as an observance until the 800s. Put this way, recent charges that Christmas has become secularized may not be all that alarming. Considering that in the 2000+ year history of Christianity, the observance of Jesus' birth is only 1200 years old. For 800 years, people didn't think it was all that important.

If we begin our Anno Domini calendar at year 1, the birth of Jesus, Christianity doesn't begin until at least AD 60 (considering the authorship of Acts of the Apostles, or Tacitus' reference to Christians in AD 64 or 65). My point? A matter of emphasis. Christmas is the Christianization of a secular observance; in this regard, the charge that Christmas has lost its Christian center is a misnomer. Christians borrowed Christmas from the Romans; and now, non-Christians borrow Christmas as well.

The question is often posed at this holiday-time, WWJT? What would Jesus think about the holiday? One could imagine he would the find the holiday at the least bewildering. One could imagine him asking the following questions and seeking clarification on many points:

"OK, so starting after this other holiday--the one you mentioned that involves turkeys and, what did you call them again, pilgrims,--people line up at 5:30 AM, oh, earlier? Midnight? Wow. Then they use up all of this so-called credit on these cards to buy what you referred to as 'stuff' and this happens for about a month all the way through what's supposed to be my birthday. I don't know why they picked December 25th. Everybody in my family knows I was born in January. All except my old man. He's fairly clear that birthdays are just non-sense. When you deal in terms of eternity, what good is a birthday, right? So, getting back to this supposed birthday celebration of mine--by the way, I don't see anybody lining up to bring me anything. Even those knitted socks you were telling me about. Those would be nice."

"And then people put up trees in their houses--wait, why would you put a tree inside a house. That doesn't make any sense. A tree inside a house? And sometimes these trees dry out and explode into flame. Well, of course they do. Haven't people heard of forest fires? Doesn't matter if the tree's outside or inside, they still burn. OK, then there's gift giving involving handing out the--what did you call them? Presents. Yes, the presents. These presents are often stored under the tree which may, or may not, burst into flame. Oy vey. After my birthday, and I'm not sensing that I'm going to get any gifts, or even a little kugel to nosh, people take the presents they don't like and they return them to malls or they give them to other people. Well, I don't see anything wrong with that. Oh, it's actually bad? Re-gifting you call it. I'm sorry but I don't get it. I'm not asking for a whole lot here--I mean, at least you all give me Easter. That's the real gig. Sure, anybody can be born, and yes, even of a virgin, but try coming back to life. I'll just put it this way, it ain't easy."

"Wait, now you're telling me that there are some things about Easter I should know? Wait, a bunny? What's this about a bunny?"

Merry Christmas.

In Multi-Medias Res

I haven’t written a blog in half-a-year (that’s six months to you and me . . .) so I begin anew. In medias res. Or perhaps, more accurately, it’s in multi-medias res. I’ve kept blogs in various places: MySpace, Tribe.net, LiveJournal, Vox, and Facebook. With the exception of a few fossilized entries on Facebook, none of the other blogs remain posted.

I have no theme to this madness; no method to this cyberspace palimpsest. What have my blogs contained in the past? Everything from essays, poems, fiction, dialogues, book reviews, musings, amusings, bemusings, and otherwise confusing musings, surveys, questionnaires, wish lists, anaphoric catalogues, and a variation on the old fashioned, albeit stereotypically pre-adolescent girl’s journal salutation, “Dear Diary.” Some entries were marked “friends only” and some were hoisted in a moment of great emotion, but poor judgment, only to be later marked “friends only” or relegated to back to the semi-private world of My Documents.

A few collected thoughts about keeping a notebook (or a blog)

Reasons why one might keep a journal . . .
1) Scribbling, doodling, scratch pad, and 'note to self' moments are subject to occur at any point in the day. Having a place to jot it down, make a note of it, or sketch it will help one to avoid the dreaded "notile dysfunction" (not to be confused with artistile dysfunction)
2) Having a notebook, diary, journal, field notes, lab book, sketchpad, etc. gives you an additional item to carry on your person along with phone, PDA, wallet, coin purse, key purse (does anybody carry these anymore), compact, leatherman, portable GPS, mace or pepper spray, and collapsible baton.
3) Just think of it, a perpetual to-do list and grocery list.
4) Writing things down can lead to personal fulfillment, or obsessive-compulsive behavior.
5) Some notebooks have a handy little back pocket in which you can put stuff. Often times the advertisements suggest movie tickets, receipts, train tickets, and stamps. In my experience, I rarely go to the movies, never take trains, most stamps are pre-gummed, and reciepts go elsewhere. But it's nice to know there are options.
6) However, one should beware of the law of inversion intention. This law states that the more you pay for a notebook or journal, the less likely you are going to write anything in it.
7) Sometimes it's nice to have a place where you can write down all the things you wish you could say to other people. It's even better when you can draw cartoons with dialogue bubbles that have such text in them. Then scan the image and post it on your Flickr page.
8) In reference to number 7, it is also advisable to remain aware that notebooks can, in some instances, be subpoenaed and subject to the rules of discovery in a legal proceeding. (I say this mainly tongue-in-cheek . . . however, my lawyers also suggest that I emphasize that I am merely writing a parody and they refer the reader to decision rendered in the Hustler Magazine and Larry C. Flynt, Petitioners v. Jerry Falwell decision, 485 US 46, 1988 which held that the creators of parodies of public figures are protected against civil liability by the First Amendment, unless the parody includes false statements of fact made in knowing or reckless disregard of the truth.)
9) Another use of notebooks: to write down legal precedents as well as reminders on things to do like "change oil, pay gas bill, buy war bonds"
10) You can bequeath them to a library of your choice upon your demise or sudden rise to fame. Oftentimes universities will purchase your papers if they deem them cultural artifacts. My personal papers are currently slated to be housed in the humanities and sciences library at the Oakland School of Barbering.

Further thoughts on keeping a notebook . . . (or a blog).

Notebook. No photographer should be without one. --Ansel Adams, The Camera There are quite a few websites dedicated to praising the use of notebooks in general (www.notebookism), or particular brands (http://www.moleskinerie.com/)(http://www.rhodiadrive.com/), or how people have used notebooks (http://www.moleskine.vox.com/), or about the search for a perfect black notebook (http://www.blackcover.wordpress.com/). On the contrary, I do not have a website dedicated to any of the above. Therefore, I might not have anything new to add. However, I have a few more suggestions on why one might carry around an analog data assistant (the other ADA) complete with graphite or ink stylus.

Reason #1 A little black book, preferably in a reporter style format, makes a wonderful conversation piece if you remove it on occasion to give the impression that you are writing down things that others are saying; it’s also quite a conversation starter if you actually write down things that others are saying. A stronger impression is left if you interrupt said speaker with a request to “say it again.” An even bigger impression is left if the people you are taking notes about have no idea who you are.

Reason #2 If you kept your shopping list from week to week, you might discover some interesting things. For instance, I discovered, not by this method, but from looking in the pantry when I was unloading the groceries today that I have six cans of tuna from Starkist, Safeway, Bumble Bee, Lucky, and some non-descript other brand. It’s even better when you use acronyms that mean nothing to you over time. Rachel Ray may have her EVOO, but has she ever gone looking for GVWR? Yes, that would be Glaceau Vitamin Water—Revive.

Reason #3 A lot of people use journals to write down their dreams. Some even interpret their dreams afterward. A more interesting use of a journal re: dreaming would be writing down the dreams you wished you had but didn’t have. Writing a long paragraph about why you think didn’t have the dream may unearth some roots of neurosis well worth taking to your therapist, or to your friends. Calling a friend shortly after midnight to let them in on your discovery is a way of determining the strength of your alliance.

Reason #4 You can always use your journal to paste in a collage, list, meditation, and active imagination exercise to “process” the aftermath of your friendship (see reason #3).

Reason #5 Pocket agendas and account books were once a popular promotional item given by insurance agents, sales people, and bankers to their customers, often mid-western farmers. These account books were used to record transactions and balances due. A fun way to resurrect this past tradition is to create lists of all your bills and then to create lists of your friends and random people to whom you will send these bills so that they would pay them for you.

Reason #6 Another use of your journal will be writing down the name of your credit counselor and possibly attorney in the fallout of reason #5. On the backside of each page, you could write, “Sure, it was a long shot. But you have to give me credit for trying.” Bankruptcy judges may find this amusing.

And things for which you could or should keep a notebook:

The usual kinds of journals / notebooks / diaries people keep

The Dear Diary (Today I was rebuffed by Mr. Darcy; he’s an ass. I shant speak with him forever more.)
Dream journal (Mr. Darcy had the wings of Pegasus and a body like a cross between a Griffin and a common donkey; he sang to me the songs of Mel Torme)
Meditation journal (One, inhale, exhale . . . two, inhale, exhale . . . om . . . )
Project journal (Day one: buy stuff; Day two: try to put stuff together; Day three: hire somebody else to do it)
Baby journal (Day one: ooops, that wasn’t the plan; Month six: This is going to be weird. Month 8: Should I tell him, he’s the daddy?)
Wedding journal (I’m really hoping we can have ice sculptures of swans in flight; then we can also have real swans in flight)
Divorce journal (If we didn’t spend all that money on those freakin’ swans . . .)
Wine journal (This 2008 Boone’s Strawberry Hill is fruity with a hint of grape reminiscent of the 2007 Thunderbird)
Food journal (If you can’t super-size it, fuck it, it shouldn’t be called food)
Travel journal (On Wednesday we continued north. The countryside changed dramatically. There was less graffiti.)
Calorie intake journal: 2 sprigs of parsley, one sunflower seed, one peppercorn does not make a salad.

Journals people could keep, but usually don’t:
Best fried chicken survey journal
Donuts that are unrivaled
Coffee: one cup per page (must include at least one drip or mug ring per page)
The “If I were in Prison right now, I’d be thinking this” Journal
Dreams I had but I was too embarrassed to admit Thoughts I had but I was too surprised to admit journal
Places I’ve been but really shouldn’t admit
Crushes I’ve had that nobody would understand